The surprising benefits of not knowing what you want in life

Published on 5 August 2024

I’m going to start by saying this: very close to 100% of my clients are unable to articulate what they want. Yes, that many. It’s that normal.

We spend a great deal of time working through that. Not because knowing what you want is so crucial. But rather because this idea of knowing what you want comes with so much expectation and baggage, we first need to clean that up and make sure the starting point is an actual desire.

We live in a society that is very goal oriented and so the pressure to know exactly what we want to do with our lives is immense. We are often encouraged to have clear, defined goals and to pursue them relentlessly. 

Not everybody can. Not everybody wants that. So we develop a deep existential anxiety and a sense of disorientation, as we struggle to make decisions that align with an unclear or shifting sense of purpose.

The belief that we must have a singular, clear-cut goal can be paralysing. 

It assumes that desires are static and that once we identify our true calling, all other paths will become irrelevant. 

This mindset ignores the fluid nature of human desires and the reality that what we want can change over time. The pressure to make the "right" choice (for the rest of our lives!) can lead to indecision and a fear of commitment, as each decision feels like it eliminates all other possibilities.

It is true that deciding one thing means you will mourn all the paths you didn’t take. But that’s no bad thing. Our desires evolve along with our perceptions of what is good for us; along with what we enjoy. 

Knowing that can be liberating. It’s a perspective that allows us to make decisions based on our current understanding and desires, and to remain open to new possibilities as they arise.

What does that look like in real life?

First, know that it is completely normal not to have everything figured out. Regardless of whether you are 19 or 59, by the way. Your desires will evolve as you gain new experiences and insights.

Secondly, consider setting short term goals.

“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” is a nonsensical question and you don’t need to know the answer. Instead, decide to experiment. You might set a goal to get into marketing in the next 2 years, rather than decide now to become a marketer for life. 

Be a generalist! Yes, I said it. By that, I mean explore all the things that interest you. This exploration can lead to unexpected opportunities and help you discover what truly resonates with you over the longer term.

And I know everybody says this but for goodness sake, rethink failure. So you didn’t become a doctor or a lawyer. That is not a definitive judgment of your abilities or choices for the future. There will always be something new that comes along to interest you. 

As a spiritual practice, this is where you may find mindfulness helpful: staying present and grounded can help you into your current desires and make decisions that align with your present self, rather than being driven by past expectations or future anxieties.

“What do I want now” is much easier to answer than “what do I have to do now in order to make 250K/year in 10 years' time’. It's also a lot more fun.

Consider this: what if not knowing what you want is not a problem but an invitation to explore? How cool is it that you get to try more and more things?

Love,
Monica




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