Have you ever caught yourself trying to figure out the perfect way to get someone to change?
Maybe it’s a colleague, a friend, or even a family member. You think, “If I could just say it the right way, they’d finally understand.”
You adjust your tone, try to explain more clearly, or approach the situation from every angle you can think of. Yet nothing changes. And frustration builds—not just with them but with yourself.
“Why are they like this?” you ask.
And worse, “What am I doing wrong?”
It’s an easy cycle to fall into. At its core is the belief that their behaviour is your responsibility to fix.
You think:
If they’re dismissive, I need to show them why this matters.
If they’re resistant, I need to be more convincing.
If they’re unmotivated, I need to inspire them.
This mindset creates an unconscious link between their actions and your self-worth. If they don’t change, it must mean you didn’t try hard enough or weren’t good enough.
But here’s the truth: you don’t control how someone else chooses to show up.
What you do control is how you choose to show up.
Shifting the focus back to you
When you stop focusing on how to change someone else and start focusing on how you respond, you take back your power. Ask yourself:
What kind of person do I want to be in this situation?
Am I showing up with clarity, calmness, and consistency?
This shift is liberating. It separates your actions from their choices. Their behaviour no longer reflects on your worth or ability.
When you stop tying your efforts to their behaviour, the frustration starts to dissolve. Not because they necessarily change, but because you no longer need them to.
For example, instead of thinking: “How can I make them see my point?”
Ask yourself, “Am I communicating clearly and respectfully?”
By focusing on being the person you want to be, you release yourself from the emotional tug-of-war of trying to fix others.
Letting go of the need to change others isn’t about giving up. It’s about recognising where your influence ends and focusing your energy on what’s within your control. When you show up with clarity, patience, and purpose, you create space—for yourself and for them—to respond authentically. Even if you don't like what they say or how they behave.